Decipher Yourself Pragmatic Self-Help and Humor for the Disenchanted

2010 Thought-A-Day #234 – #240

Theme: Pirate Advice Column

Sunday, 08/22/2010
#234: Don't let the love of your life slip through your hooks.

Monday, 08/23/2010
#235: Fitness begins at work. Jog the plank.

Tuesday, 08/24/2010
#236: Have you tried a little less raping?

Wednesday, 08/25/2010
#237: They charged you HOW much for a coffee? Who be the pirate here?

Thursday, 08/26/2010
#238: I sense you're a "booty" man. Am I right?

Friday, 08/27/2010
#239: I find the best deals at Landlubber's End.

Saturday, 08/28/2010
#240: Aaaarguing gets you nowhere.

2010 Thought-A-Day #227 – #233

Theme: Douchebag Names

Sunday, 08/15/2010
#227: Todd

Monday, 08/16/2010
#228: Chase

Tuesday, 08/17/2010
#229: Josh

Wednesday, 08/18/2010
#230: Brett

Thursday, 08/19/2010
#231: Chad

Friday, 08/20/2010
#232: Ricky

Saturday, 08/21/2010
#233: Lamp

(List not based on any real persons. But if this is your name, fuck you!)

2010 Thought-A-Day #220 – #226

Theme: Punchlines Only!

Sunday, 08/08/2010
#220: "Giraffic Park."

Monday, 08/09/2010
#221: "He threw up in his pants."

Tuesday, 08/10/2010
#222: "A miniature Albert Einstein!"

Wednesday, 08/11/2010
#223: "Tucson."

Thursday, 08/12/2010
#224: "The Pope's stunt double."

Friday, 08/13/2010
#225: "The Holy Shit Baptist Church."

Saturday, 08/14/2010
#226: "The Thinkin Man's NASCAR."

2010 Thought-A-Day #213 – #219

Theme: Crazy Homeless Quotes

Sunday, 08/01/2010
#213: I had a moon once.

Monday, 08/02/2010
#214: You'd be surprised what you can eat.

Tuesday, 08/03/2010
#215: I gather them acorns for Jesus.

Wednesday, 08/04/2010
#216: I beat cancer once. Eddie Cancer.

Thursday, 08/05/2010
#217: Feel free to go in your newspaper pants.

Friday, 08/06/2010
#218: Stay away from those uppity McDonald's types!

Saturday, 08/07/2010
#219: You'd also be surprised what you can shit.

2010 Thought-A-Day #206 – #212

Theme: Yay. Pessimism.

Sunday, 07/25/2010
#206: That which doesn't kill you will probably try again.

Monday, 07/26/2010
#207: Silver linings signal acid rain.

Tuesday, 07/27/2010
#208: The dinosaurs would never have wanted to see this.

Wednesday, 07/28/2010
#209: Rising from the ashes still requires... rising... via ashes.

Thursday, 07/29/2010
#210: Applying makeup requires some ugly expressions.

Friday, 07/30/2010
#211: Double rainbows only cancel out. Yes, all the way.

Saturday, 07/31/2010
#212: There are no "advanced" uses for dung, chieftain.

2010 Thought-A-Day #199 – #205

Theme: Robot Hobbies

Sunday, 07/18/2010
#199: Robo-Cow Tipping

Monday, 07/19/2010
#200: Hunt Humans / Needlepoint (As Weather Dictates)

Tuesday, 07/20/2010
#201: Trying to Stand Still Despite Having Wheels for Feet

Wednesday, 07/21/2010
#202: Executing "Hanging Out" Subroutine

Thursday, 07/22/2010
#203: Oprah (Weekdays)

Friday, 07/23/2010
#204: Yodeling

Saturday, 07/24/2010
#205: Not Exploding

2010 Thought-A-Day #192 – #198

Theme: Fine Furniture

Sunday, 07/11/2010
#192: To help with side income, I've lined my entire house with couch cushions.

Monday, 07/12/2010
#193: The idea of distressed furniture just freaks my shit out.

Tuesday, 07/13/2010
#194: Lancelot eventually turned the Table on Arthur.

Wednesday, 07/14/2010
#195: You don't appreciate footstools until your carpet becomes lava.

Thursday, 07/15/2010
#196: It is such a chore to Bedazzle hardwood.

Friday, 07/16/2010
#197: The average lifespan of a toilet is 50 years--a life pretty much wasted.

Saturday, 07/17/2010
#198: Be clear when asking a carpenter for a stool sample.

2010 Thought-A-Day #185 – #191

Theme: PAC-MAN

Sunday, 07/04/2010
#185: What did Pac-Man really do to anger the spirits, and how can we avoid this?

Monday, 07/05/2010
#186: Why don't the ghosts just pass through the walls to get him?

Tuesday, 07/06/2010
#187: Cherry, Strawberry, Banana... Pretzel?

Wednesday, 07/07/2010
#188: I like to imagine that the "extra lives" were Pac-Kids seeking vengeance.

Thursday, 07/08/2010
#189: By eating their trail of crumbs, Pac-Man doomed Hansel and Gretel to never see home again.

Friday, 07/09/2010
#190: Do you really want the high score on an eating-themed game?

Saturday, 07/10/2010
#191: The bitter dispute with Fozzie remains unsettled to this day.

2010 Thought-A-Day #178 – #184

Theme: Observations

Sunday, 06/27/10
#178: I couldn't tell if she was pregnant or if she just had bad posture.

Monday, 06/28/10
#179: You have to weigh the wear of swerving versus just hitting the pothole.

Tuesday, 06/29/10
#180: Surely some of these power lines go nowhere.

Wednesday, 06/30/10
#181: Do they sell snow globes in Miami?

Thursday, 07/01/10
#182: What the hell is Kenny Rogers thinking?

Friday, 07/02/10
#183: The lyrics in "Hip Hop Hooray" really do reference "Parker Lewis". Weird.

Saturday, 07/03/10
#184: TV dinners have not increased in size at the rate of actual TVs.

2010 Thought-A-Day #171 – #177

Theme: WEIGHT LOSS TIPS

Sunday, 06/20/10
#171: Pick a least favorite limb. Eliminate it.

Monday, 06/21/10
#172: Wait until next moon visit to use scale.

Tuesday, 06/22/10
#173: Always. Be. Peeing.

Wednesday, 06/23/10
#174: Ask genie for fourth wish.

Thursday, 06/24/10
#175: Fatten up loved ones. Note: Change is relative.

Friday, 06/25/10
#176: Eat vegetarians. (Cannibals only.)

Saturday, 06/26/10
#177: Induce labor.