Decipher Yourself Pragmatic Self-Help and Humor for the Disenchanted

2010 Thought-A-Day #171 – #177

Theme: WEIGHT LOSS TIPS

Sunday, 06/20/10
#171: Pick a least favorite limb. Eliminate it.

Monday, 06/21/10
#172: Wait until next moon visit to use scale.

Tuesday, 06/22/10
#173: Always. Be. Peeing.

Wednesday, 06/23/10
#174: Ask genie for fourth wish.

Thursday, 06/24/10
#175: Fatten up loved ones. Note: Change is relative.

Friday, 06/25/10
#176: Eat vegetarians. (Cannibals only.)

Saturday, 06/26/10
#177: Induce labor.

2010 Thought-A-Day #164 – #170

Theme: Science Pt. 2

Sunday, 06/13/10
#164: Fossil records prove the evolution of the Jitterbug.

Monday, 06/14/10
#165: Do quantum mechanics charge by the nanosecond?

Tuesday, 06/15/10
#166: Ever thought about where the word "etymology" came from?

Wednesday, 06/16/10
#167: Breakthroughs are discouraged at Kevlar Corporation.

Thursday, 06/17/10
#168: Small intestine or semi-colon?

Friday, 06/18/10
#169: Prism? More like racism.

Saturday, 06/19/10
#170: Speed = ( Distance / Talk Radio) x Traffic

2010 Thought-A-Day #157 – #163

Theme: Science Pt. 1

Sunday, 06/07/10
#157: NASA must find a way to deal with its skyrocketing costs!

Monday, 06/08/10
#158: Before Xerox, this planet had only carbon-based assforms.

Tuesday, 06/09/10
#159: Wait, no it's not. Time travel is impossible!

Wednesday, 06/10/10
#160: If the mall is any indication, we are halfway to developing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Thursday, 06/11/10
#161: The future is here: tomorrow's dinner has been cryogenically frozen!

Friday, 06/12/10
#162: It's a myth that Einstein once forgot to wear pants to work. He knew from the start.

Saturday, 06/13/10
#163: Tachyons are pretty much bullshit.

2010 Thought-A-Day #150 – #156

Theme: The Courthouse

Sunday, 05/30/10
#150: Criminal courts, but law firm.

Monday, 06/01/10
#151: I object your honor. These sandwiches are delicious!

Tuesday, 06/02/10
#152: Judge's robes: Combining dignity and pantslessness since 1603.

Wednesday, 06/03/10
#153: The courthouse remains open during inclement weather: It's just ice!

Thursday, 06/04/10
#154: Jeff was so desperate that he had a straining order put on that one waitress.

Friday, 06/05/10
#155: Why don't you trying saying "subpoenas" next time you get a cold?

Saturday, 06/06/10
#156: Judge Judy is kind of a bitch.

2010 Thought-A-Day #143 – #149

Theme: Medicine

Sunday, 05/23/10
#143: For diabetics, it just takes a spoonful of medicine to make the sugar go down.

Monday, 05/24/10
#144: Dr. Pepper's degree is largely ceremonial.

Tuesday, 05/25/10
#145: Antyhing requiring a paper gown is invasive.

Wednesday, 05/26/10
#146: Poor sales continue to plague the Ped-E-Rest home foot massager.

Thursday, 05/27/10
#147: Number one casue of lung cancer: lungs.

Friday, 05/28/10
#148: Plumbers tend to suffer from recessive jeans.

Saturday, 05/29/10
#149: Which came first, the enormous medical bill or the detached retinas?

2010 Thought-A-Day #136 – #142

Theme: Fast Food

Sunday, 05/16/10
#136: Of McDonalds' many marketing failures, it was the invention of the "Extra Medium" that came closest to ruining the company.

Monday, 05/17/10
#137: Will the Burger King's throne pass to the Dairy Queen?

Tuesday, 05/18/10
#138: At Taco Bell, all combos are pretty much "number 2".

Wednesday, 05/19/10
#139: Chick Fil-A caters to religion by closing on Sunday and to science by using highly-evolved livestock.

Thursday, 05/20/10
#140: If Colonel Sanders could see the state of his beloved "KFC" chain today, he would surely roll in his gravy.

Friday, 05/21/10
#141: No one was to look Dave Thomas in the eye when he donned the red wig and striped dress.

Saturday, 05/22/10
#142: Do people run out of Arby's with an imaginary barf bag floating over their heads?

2010 Thought-A-Day #129 – #135

Theme: Consumers

Sunday, 05/09/10
#129: Shoes should only be bought during two-for-one sales.

Monday, 05/10/10
#130: How can it be an honest deal if they need to swipe your card?

Tuesday, 05/11/10
#131: Microsoft customers are often left with a mess that needs Angel Soft.

Wednesday, 05/12/10
#132: Surprisingly, Wal-Mart employees are all immediately vested.

Thursday, 05/13/10
#133: Gilbert Gottfried's funeral would be both a "good" and a "service" simultaneously.

Friday, 05/14/10
#134: Pretty much every new prescription drug can cause diarrhea. Message = received.

Saturday, 05/15/10
#135: Movies often transport us somewhere far away. They have to, since we're basically paying airfare.

2010 Thought-A-Day #122 – #128

Theme: "Bored" Games

Sunday, 05/02/10
#122: Why are people surprised that something called "Monopoly" takes so much time?

Monday, 05/03/10
#123: Admiral Ackbar carefully reconsidered his purchase of "Mousetrap".

Tuesday, 05/04/10
#124: "Dominoes" is a difficult challenge for a beginner to digest.

Wednesday, 05/05/10
#125: Although "Yahtzee" sounds like a sneeze, it generally involves less mess on the table.

Thursday, 05/06/10
#126: At my house, we call it "Risk? Everything But Australia, Maybe!"

Friday, 05/07/10
#127: "Chutes and Ladders" does not constitute a P.E. credit.

Saturday, 05/08/10
#128: Dude, fuck "Checkers".

2010 Thought-A-Day #121

"Applause" sign or claptrap?

2010 Thought-A-Day #120

You need both eyes of the tiger if you want to win the fight.